Eating Me

There are many things I've been meaning to/planning on blogging about the last few days. However, one issue appears to be trumping them all.

I'm not even sure whether to post this at all. Maybe it's too personal for a blog where many readers actually know the real person behind the pen name. But right now, everything seems to be bringing me back to the same topic.

I've mentioned before my age-old battle with my weight and self-esteem. Overall, I've won the war. Unfortunately, there are still a few guerilla fighters who haven't surrendered yet.

During our trip I gained weight. I knew I would. I had a finite number of days in Europe to taste as much of its delicious food as I could. I mean, I could've spent the entire time imbibing chocolate and not gotten through the whole list.

I did my best to pace myself, prioritize, admit what I simply wouldn't get to. But I still overate.

Then we came home. Loaded with chocolate. And too tired to do much other than lie in bed and occasionally head off to work.

I keep trying to tell myself this is just a natural occurrence and once I get back on track I'll start feeling better.

But myself isn't buying that. I feel like I'm sliding back into the hole I laboriously pulled myself out of eight years ago. And I don't know if I've got the energy to repeat the feat.

I took the first step today. I went back to the gym. It worked. While I was there. Tonight is worse.

What really *()*^&^%$ is that when I get this way I eat. And I don't mean some piddly little diet meal. I eat everything in the house. That just makes the problem worse.

Plus, I'm trying to raise my son not to have any of my personal issues. Unfortunately, he can tell something's eating me. And, the way I feel right now, I find myself making derogatory comments about myself I haven't even thought in years. Believe me, he's noticed.

I'm just praying, non-stop, God will give me the strength to haul myself back to my feet, give those guerilla warriors the boot they deserve and get myself back on track.

I mean, I'm not asking to be J-Lo or Heidi Klum. I couldn't be that skinny if I starved myself (not to mention Der Deutscher would probably leave me if I managed it). My skeleton weighs more than the two of them put together. I just want to be healthy and, more important, feel healthy. Which I don't right now.

Nimitz' Lady