Wednesday, May 02, 2018

Failing, Failure, Failed

Falling. Falling. Failing.
Watching life slide from Goya to Picasso to DalĂ­ to Goya.
Bleakness encroaching.
It's midnight in shades with no rock concert at the end of the road,  just a train.
The life I've worked decades to build crumbles to dust between my fingers like a Marvel superhero.
Falling. Fallen. Failure.
The job I live and breath for...gone.
It's for my health.
The mantra doesn't fill the holes in my soul.
The academic record I've built - broken.
Old joys, new jobs don't fit the way they should.
The more I lose, the harder I try, the faster I churn, the slower I move, the less I succeed.
Fallen. Fallen. Failed.
Everything I do. Wrong.
Everything I try. Wrong.
Everything I am. Wrong.
My body piles on, turns against me.
Loved ones give up, give in, quit.
Why should I keep trying?
Fallen. Felled. Failed.
You're too perfectionist. You're not working hard enough.
You're putting too much pressure on yourself. You're being lazy, not doing the minimum you should for this position.
You're too loud.
You need to speak up, speak out, speak faster,  interrupt others,  keep them on track.
Be friendly, likeable, get more people on board.
Stop worrying about what others think. You do you.
You're too much, not enough....
The world speaks in a cacophony, a torrent, a cataclysmic discombobulation of conflicting advice.
It all means one thing.
Failing. Failed. Failure.